Lookalike #10 – Joachim Loew…

Joachim Loew

Kris Jenner

Lookalike #9 – Patrice Evra vs…..

Patrice Evra

Monica Galetti

Lookalike #8 – Robert Lewandowski vs…..

Robert Lewandowski

 

Vernon Kay

Something For The Weekend – Premier League Predictions

Saturday 30th March 2013

Barclays Premier League

Sunderland V Man Utd

Joe W: 1-2

Ooooh  late Hernandez winner alert… Is it in the bag? Injuries ahoy ahead of Monday’s FA Cup Quarter Final get Ferguson a bit hot under the collar.

Tom: 1-4

The ease with which United have won the title is embarrassing. Sunderland continue to free fall, bottom of the form charts before Fletcher picked up his injury, it’s only going to get worse. M’ON in trouble, but likely to be okay due to the dross below him.

Arsenal V Reading

Joe W: 3-0

Poor Nigel Adkins, he did not expect to be in this position nor with this club by the end of March when he embarked on the new season with Southampton. Arsenal putting together a decent run of form before a summer of transfer disappointment.

Tom: 1-1

A positive start for Adkins, another false start for Arsenal. After defeating Swansea last time out they could do with another 3 points, but plucky Reading to get to benefit of new manager momentum.

Man City V Newcastle

Joe W: 1-1

It is still far from over but boy are City doing their best to make it look this way. Coming from behind with a late Tevez strike after a Cabaye free kick breaks the deadlock.

Tom: 1-1

What a difference a year makes. Bank Holiday weekend last year saw City took huge strides towards the title with Yaya running the show in the reverse of this fixture. Now his agent is looking for a pay day as they finish the campaign with a whimper. Pardew’s beard to grab a point in an uninspiring game.

Southampton V Chelsea

Joe W: 3-3

A far cry from Chelsea’s cup cruise the other month. Southampton yet again raising to the big occasion however they will squander a 3-1 lead here against the reigning European champions (stop laughing…)

Tom: 1-2

Chelsea will have one eye on their FA Cup replay on Monday, but despite falling behind early on, they’ll be too strong for Southampton.

Swansea V Tottenham

Joe W: 1-1

Signs of improvement for Spurs however they could really do with a big result to help their Champions League place push. No such help from Laudrup’s men.

Tom: 1-0

Oh dear. Spurs really hate the end of the season don’t they? Andre Villas “crouching b*stard” Boas joining the long line of Spurs managers who choke at the open goal when just a month ago they  looked certainties for Champions League qualification.

West Ham V West Brom

Joe W: 1-0

How the West was won… West Ham capitalise on their recent Olympic Stadium tenancy with a drab 1-0 victory due to Mr Chicken dance.

Tom:  1-0

Carroll.

Wigan V Norwich

Joe W: 0-0

You know the drill… Last game on Match of the Day. Norwich fans should not have made the journey… They did though, thousands of them. They travel well. Big catchment area etc etc blah blah…

Tom:  5-1

They love a great escape round here I heard. Gomez and Kone with a brace each to contribute to a magnificent win.

Everton V Stoke

Joe W: 2-0

False sense of expectancy for the Everton fans… 4^th place is a step too far though.  Stoke are running a risky strategy, do they stick with Pulis’ dire play to maintain midtable mediocrity or go for a fancy foreign coach and risk a relegation fight?

Tom: 2-0

Oh god, Stoke on the telly box. Everton build on their win against City last time out to ease to a win over Pulis’ mob, the main drama coming as the bitter spring winds blow Pulis’ cap right off ‘is ‘ead.

Sunday 31st March 2013

Aston Villa V Liverpool

Joe W: 3-1

Lose lose situation here for “it’ll be our year, next year” Liverpool. Win and people think “Meh, should have won earlier in the season when it mattered”. Draw, Rodgers gets slammed from pillar to post in the media. Lose, the same. Suarez again provides his haters with ammunition as he clashes with Ron Vlaar. Priceless 3 points for Villa though as the ever so eloquent Agbonlahor scores, cups his hears/ kisses the badge/ takes his shirt off/ kicks the advertising hoardings* (*delete where appropriate).

Tom:  0-3

Liverpool continue their sublime to the ridiculous form, avenging their loss to Villa at Anfield in December. Suarez and Sturridge give another glimpse of their potential as a partnership, before Suarez leaves in the summer for a club who can offer him the Champions League football he deserves.

Monday 1st April 2013

Fulham V QPR

Joe W: 1-2

Oooooooh West London derby (derby? Really?). I realise it is April fools day but…. Anyway, the big drama from Monday will be the lunchtime FA Cup quarter final a mile and half down the road…. Or will it? Redknapp will be boosted by Remy’s late winner which sets up a nice relegation dogfight in the coming weeks.

Tom:  2-1

Fulham have quietly started to gather a bit of momentum. Bit late in the day mind, but they should have a fairly nondescript end to the season, unlike QPR, where we edge ever closer to seeing their spectacular implosion in May upon their relegation.

Something For The Weekend – Premier League Predictions

Saturday 16th March 2013

Everton v Man City         

Joe W: 0-2

City are playing well now that the pressure is off and will surely continue to rack up their points in pursuit of defending their title. They will keep going until they see a certain 71 year old Scot skipping up the touchline in celebration. Plus they are due a win at Goodison. Tevez to score.

Al: 2-1 

Given that Gareth Barry has been talking about how “united” City are I’m going to assume the opposite. Everton will be well up for trying to leapfrog back above Liverpool too.

Tom: 0-2

“The other” Merseyside vs Manchester battle. Both blues now behind their fierce red rivals, and likely to stay there until the end of the season. Main men Yaya and Aguero with the goals. Equilibrium restored.

Aston Villa v QPR   

Joe W: 2-1

Oooooh relegation 6 pointer. Dogs of war required. Actually, scrap that… The ever so eloquent Agbonlahor has found form and nets a late winner.

Al: 1-1

Neither side wants a draw, blah blah blah. No one cares about this fixture, blah blah blah…

Tom: 0-1

I don’t like the way things are headed in the QPR camp. Remy showing more quality here to prove the difference. It’s unreal to suggest that QPR are more likely to avoid the drop than Villa, but sadly for Lambert, this is the truth.

Southampton v Liverpool          

Joe W: 0-4

Suarez hat-trick (still not enough for players to for him in players’ player of the year). Liverpool fans continue to look naively optimistic to the future.

Al: 1-1

Suarez to score and constantly menace but Pochettino’s Saints will celebrate the new Argentine Pontiff with some impressive rear-guard action…

Tom: 1-3

St Mary’s is one of those weird new build grounds that Liverpool have a real difficulty performing in. However, the pressure is off, and the performances and results just keep coming. Unfortunately this is usually the prelude to another miserable August/September to end another summer of optimism at Anfield.

Stoke v West Brom                        

Joe W: 1-2

It is extremely hard to get excited about a game like this. Fortunately West Brom’s players are professionals and do so as the Long/ Lukaku threat proves too much for Pulis’ cloggers.

Al: 0-0

Oh I’m sorry, I must’ve given you the impression that I give a f*ck…

Tom: 0-1

Lukaku to kick ten shades of sh!t out of the Stoke rearguard. Hopefully.

Swansea v Arsenal              

 

Joe W: 0-3

Swansea have got a cup and top flight security. They cannot be arsed with a game like this. Arsenal  to finish the season strongly and give their fans more false hope for next season.

Al: 2-0

Poor Arsenal. Poor brave Arsenal. Poor brave, gallant, noble, heroic and in no-way actually really mediocre like losing to Swansea-mediocre Arsenal. Oh, wait.

Tom: 0-1

Just realised this is the sixth away win on the bounce that I’ve predicted. Unlikely but I might just wager a cheeky quid that it could happen. Giroud with the winner despite Swansea’s more polished display.

Man Utd v Reading      

Joe W: 2-0

Club with blue and white hoops sack their manager before a trip to Old Trafford… have we not been here before this season? Oh no that was QPR. United get a straightforward victory with Shinji Kagawa on song.

Al: 2-1

I hate it when a team gives their manager the boot right before Utd have to play them as they always, ALWAYS then seem to raise their game, massively. And seeing as Reading gave Utd a torrid time in the reverse fixture I think this will prove a squeaky-bum encounter. That, or it’ll end up 6-0 Utd.

Tom: 5-0

United have had a tough time at home in the last couple of weeks, but I don’t expect managerless Reading to cause them any problems whatsoever. Why sack McDermott now? Seriously.

Sunday 17th March 2013

Sunderland v Norwich   

Joe W: 0-0

The British public deserves better than this.

Al: 1-1

Sorry, but Grasshoppers vs Lucerne is on…

Tom: 1-1

Not much exciting going on in Wearside here. This blog should start a weekly “last on MOTD” prediction, as I’m sure everyone has blogged this over the season. Here is this week’s lucky recipient.

Tottenham v Fulham     

Joe W: 0-1

Oh dear Spurs fans… It is starting again….

Al: 2-0

Bale x2. Routine.

Tom: 0-1

Another away win? Are you serious? Tottenham and AVB’s Champions League push in free fall with their second defeat in two after last week’s self-inflicted loss at Anfield. Dembele with an unfortunate own goal.

Chelsea v West Ham      

Joe W: 3-1

Ray Winstone, Danny Dyer, Terry Venables, Denis Wise. This is a pwoppa Lan-din derby. It’s a pwoppa touch. More Rafa out nonsense.

Al: 3-1

FAAAAKIN C************NT!

Tom: 6-1

Torres with all six, Carroll with the consolation. Rafa and Allardyce to partake in handshakegate after Benitez flashes the bird in Big Sam’s direction following the sixth.

Wigan v Newcastle          

Joe W: 2-1

Bizarrely when away from home Newcastle always seem to be playing in London or the North West. Often struggling too. Latics man of the moment, Callum Henry McManaman on target again and subsequently be linked with a move to Liverpool.

Al: 2-1

What the f*ck is Pardew thinking with that beard. Looks liken the lovechild of daytime telly’s Nick Knowles and cult-leader Noel Edmunds… It’s scaring the sh!t out of me. Just for that I’m going for a Wigan win.

Tom: 2-0

Here they go again. Do you remember this time last season when Papiss Cisse slayed all in front of him?  What happened there? Wigan riding high on confidence after last week’s FA Cup triumph.

 

Lookalike #7 – Patrick Swayze vs Pavel Nedved

Patrick Swayze

Pavel Nedved

Lookalike #6 – Val Kilmer vs Sergio Ramos

Val Kilmer

Sergio Ramos

Something For The Weekend – Premier League Predictions

Saturday 2nd March 2013

Chelsea v West Brom

Joe W: 5-0

We all know how this goes. Terry scores again, Rafa booed again, Lampard scores a penalty again. After a turbulent week (in which they won (again)…) they give West Brom a good hiding.

Tom: 1-2

We all know how this goes. Terry on the bench again, Rafa booed again, Lampard scores a penalty again, but Long and Morrison get one each to ensure more boos. Shame Lukaku is ineligible, the boy is a beast.

Everton v Reading      

 

Joe W: 3-0

Mirallas and Baines score absolute worldies (hate that expression). The media rhetoric post game promotes the line of how unlucky Baines is to have Ashley Cole in front of him for England.

Tom: 2-1

Everton’s annual quest to avoid achieving anything continues, but they just about escape this time, against a Reading side trying, but failing, to avoid the drop. Le Fondre to put them in the lead before 2 late goals save yet more booing from another side’s home “faithful”.

Man Utd v Norwich                

Joe W: 2-0

United will have one eye on the Madrid game so the performance will be massively underwhelming but for the brace by Rooney. One step closer…

Tom: 7-0

Me: In the bag.

Joe W: Not in the bag.

Me: HA. We both know that isn’t true.

Joe W: Dude.

Me: Dude.

Joe W: Aye.

…in the bag.

Southampton v QPR   

 

Joe W: 1-2

‘Arry is back in town. Public enemy #1 in these parts and a late winner does not help either. Unlucky on Saints as they dominate the game.

Tom: 2-0

Massive result for the Saints, can’t believe they might actually stay up. REAL shame QPR and Harry have gone. They may as well hang up the boots now.

Stoke v West Ham      

 

Joe W: 0-0

Brazil ’70 and Dutch Total Football fans please look away now. Teams like QPR pay close attention, this is how you stay in the World’s best league.

Tom: 2-2

Oh dear God. What can be said about this? Pulis vs Allardyce. Seriously. SERIOUSLY? Best league in the world innit? Seriously.

Sunderland v Fulham             

 

Joe W: 2-0

Fulham tend not to travel too well and Sunderland is not the type of place where you would want to have to have pick up points. Sunderland are pretty non-descript this season but a bland 2-0 is more than enough for the Wearsiders.

Tom: 3-2

I like O’Neill, and I like Jol. I can see a good game here with plenty of goals. That man Fletcher probably the difference. Unrelated to the match, but for the record I’d definitely have Mignolet at Anfield.

Swansea v Newcastle 

Joe W: 0-3

The League Cup final hangover sets in. Laudrup has had his fun, will he be around next year?

Tom: 2-0
Swansea got their reward last week, and I can’t see their momentum stopping against Pardew’s lot. That man Michu again the difference.

Wigan v Liverpool      

Joe W: 1-0

Missed penalties, hitting the woodwork, daft (but deserved!) red cards, Liverpool are back. Someone random like Conor Sammon would be the type of player to get the winner, if he was still at Wigan. As he is not, take your pick from Ronnie Stam, Shaun Maloney or Roger Espinoza.

Tom: 1-0

Liverpool have such a dog sh!t record against Wigan away in recent years that I don’t hold out much hope. Their televised record has also been garbage in the last 18 months, so I can easily foresee another step back after last time out against Swansea. Another big 3 from Wigan.

Sunday 3rd March 2013

Tottenham v Arsenal

Joe W: 3-1

Just when you think the Bale hype can’t get any bigger, he goes and does it again. Wenger looks dejected but that is what happens when put CarlJenkinson (he is half Finnish) on him.

Tom: 0-2

Wenger needs a break sometime, and this might be the one. The hyperbole about Bale is getting annoying now. He’s in fine form, sure, but he isn’t Ronaldo. Wilshire and Giroud bring them back down to earth.

Monday 4th March

Aston Villa v Man City

Joe W: 1-3

The TV schedule/ early Champions League exit has helped City here… If this were a Saturday night game I would expect Villa do cause some problems. As it happens, Aguero and Dzeko fill their boots against Lambert’s woeful villains.

Tom: 0-4

Too late to start dishing this out City, your trophy has gone. And you too, Villa, have gone.

Lookalike #5 – Herr Lipp vs Darren Ferguson

Herr Lipp (League of Gentleman)

Darren Ferguson

Lookalike #4 – Ennis vs Sande

Emeli Sande

Jessica Ennis